If this isn't a cry for help what else could it be? Written by Derek on Sept 18th:
http://once-fallen.blogspot.co...09/am-i-monster.html
Snippet
AM I A MONSTER? The answer has plagued my mind for days on end. My neighbors watch me with suspicious eyes and gossip behind my back. People shout obscenities at me while I'm walking down the street. People devote website to hating and attacking me. I am put on a public list, and that makes people afraid.
Recently, my now ex-fiancee was told by her neighbor, a child, "That man who comes over to your house, he' a bad man, he hurts people." He's a monster. We could not get married because she has a child so the law won't allow it. We could not easily go on trips together or attend kid friendly events together out of fear of vigilantes.
My ex-fiancee could not take it anymore so she left me. Even she began seeing me as a monster. I will never forget that she sees me as a monster. I can never forget.
AM I A MONSTER? Am I eternally doomed to virtual exile? Is death my only escape? Once fallen, can anyone restore his or her own life? Is there hope? Is there forgiveness? Is there LOVE?
If I am a "monster," then I have none of those things. If that is the case, why should I bother to fight anymore? I have lost everything-- my family, my friends, even the one person in this world I truly loved. All I have left is instinct to survive. I have fought not because I wanted to because I felt I did not have a choice.
morning I wake up from a nightmare and into a bigger nightmare of life. Every day I am gripped with the thought of the hells in tore for me today. I wonder what new law will be passed out of fear of the people on that public list. I wonder what more people can do to harm me. I fall deeper and deeper into despair. It is as if even God himself has forsaken me. Each day is filled with one objective-- finding the will to live.
---------------
Society did not create this monster within Derek. Derek created this monster. Derek portrays himself as a "victim" so to speak. Derek lives in denial daily. Derek minimizes his criminal misdeeds. He minimizes every negative aspect in his life, Never bothering to look inward for the root causes of the turmoil that plaques him. He projects outward-everything and everybody else, is to blame for his turmoil"
See example:
"It does not matter what I have done since my release. It does not matter I have never been suspected of any wrongdoing. It does not matter that I have never re-offended. It does not matter I have made reparations and atoned for the wrongs I have committed to the extent allowable. In the eyes of society, I committed the unforgivable sin, and there can never be a pardon."
Derek is minimizing his past behaviors. Where are these reparations, Where has he atoned himself? He called his 11 yr old victim a Lolita s-l-u-t, "she" corrupted him he says, So where is this repentance Derek speaks of? One would think the delusions fed to his ego would of filled him up by now!