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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Biden has announced a sweeping vaccine mandate for private citizens and companies that experts say is a grossly unconstitutional government overreach. Biden, however, has said it won't be a problem as he has developed a natural immunity to the Constitution.

"Listen folks, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm immune!" he said to a line of ants as they marched single file toward his tapioca pudding. "The Constitution can't hurt me. Natural immunity, that's a thing! Not with COVID, but with the Constitution! You just ignore it and it's ok!"

Leading official expert scientists who are experts in science have confirmed that science says Biden doesn't have to listen to the U.S. Constitution as it is clearly a public health hazard.

"We must guard against this disease known as the Constitution before it inhibits our ability to fight COVID and all the variants, which are way more dangerous than ending the American experiment once and for all," said Goober Finklestein, a scientist.

"Just listen to the science, which is us."

"I came, I saw, I surrendered"-Joe Biden

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U.S.—In a stirring address to the country today, Biden has announced a new Civil War.

"Look, folks—here's the deal. For real this time. No joke. The words on the screen I'm supposed to read are saying that we're gonna force millions of people to get vaccinated against their will. Gotta do it folks," said Biden as he read off the teleprompter. "To enforce this, we're just gonna have ourselves a little Civil War. It's been a while since we had one of those. Let's just fight it out until all the unvaccinated people are dead or we're all dead which will stop the spread of COVID. Win-win, folks."

Biden assured the American people they will lose the upcoming Civil War as they don't have any F-15's or nukes. Any unvaccinated Americans who survive will be sent to special camps where they will learn the importance of getting vaccinated.

"For real, I don't see how anyone can be against this! Come on, man!" Biden said.

(UPDATE: After reading an article in the Huffington Post that unvaccinated people are just like the Taliban, Biden immediately surrendered to them and gave them a bunch of free weapons.)

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats in Congress have condemned the recent election integrity law passed in Texas. In addition to the laws being extremely racist, misogynistic, and homophobic, Democrat politicians are saying that such laws will lead to a devastating decline in cheating. "Cheating is the lifeblood of LGBTQ+ culture, and ballot harvesting is the cornerstone of black American culture," said AOC in a speech to her constituents in the World Economic Forum. "In addition—like, so many women will be negatively impacted by the male gaze of partisan poll-watchers. This is literal fascism guys."

Experts warn that if more states pass similar laws, it may empower far-far-right candidates to win elections, as cheating and fraud will decline sharply.

"This is a white supremacist country," AOC continued, "so we know that free and fair elections without any fraud will lead to more white supremacists being elected. White supremacists like Larry Elder. Like, I literally can't even."

"Say—I should tweet that." She then pulled out her phone and began tweeting.

Leftists have called for more relaxed voting with fewer protections against fraud, so that only good people will be elected, like in California and New York. Frustrated Democrats have promised to leave Texas to live in states where the voting laws aren't evil and racist. Texas Governor Greg Abbot is currently looking at additional legislation to see if he can make more Democrats leave.

Nancy Pelosi Flies To Afghanistan To Lecture Stranded Americans On How Bad January 6 Was

KABUL—Nancy Pelosi landed at the airport in Kabul today on a mission to reach out to stranded Americans there. She's not on a rescue mission or there to provide any relief, though, and is instead lecturing them on how bad January 6 was. "We have to educate these people on how bad that insurrection was," she told reporters before flying out. "They don't have access to as much information, news, or internet out there, so it's possible they haven't heard about January 6 and what a dark day that was for our country."

"January 6 was literally the worst disaster in the history of the presidency!" she said through a megaphone at Americans waiting at the airport for some hope of escape. "You people just don't understand how bad it was! Ms. Ocasio-Cortez literally gave her life for you that day!"

"Alright, just don't go radicalizing yourselves and thinking Trump actually won, and everything will be OK. Byyyyyye!!!"

It wasn't all a lecture, though, as Pelosi left behind one half-eaten quart of her favorite brand of ice cream for the stranded Americans to fight over, Hunger Games-style.

KABUL—After the Taliban announced that Afghans would have to turn in their guns, the White House has sent Beto O'Rourke to Kabul to help out. Biden quickly praised the proposal and offered to send the gun confiscation expert and failed congressional candidate to go help take everybody's guns.

"[Flowerbed] yes we're coming for your guns," O'Rourke said as he happily went door to door to take firearms from soon-to-be helpless Afghan civilians. "This will greatly reduce gun violence, as Afghans won't be able to fight back at all and will simply have to submit to the Taliban's rule."

"Unlike America, the Taliban is very progressive when it comes to gun legislation. This is just a common-sense measure," O'Rourke said as he wrestled an AK-47 out of the hands of an Afghan woman before the Taliban whisked her away.

Unfortunately, O'Rourke was caught in his furry costume and is now imprisoned on death row. Biden says we will have to either drop off some pallets of cash to get him back or start a second Afghan war.

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