U.S.—Democrat governors and policymakers across the nation are considering another lockdown to wipe out the few small businesses that somehow managed to survive the previous lockdowns.
"We've received word that new, deadly variants of small businesses, um, I mean COVID, are popping up in spite of our best efforts to crush them forever," said Pelosi in her classic charming way at a press conference. "We need at least one more extended lockdown so that those pesky small businesses are utterly ruined to make way for the woke mega-corporations we all know and love. Um, I mean, let's defeat Delta variant or whatever."
Reporters then asked her to repeat herself, as the loud rattling noises from her jewelry, or her skeleton—it was unclear which—had drowned out the sound of her voice.
According to experts, up to 6 more months of extreme lockdowns may be needed in order to kill all the remaining small businesses so companies like Walmart, Amazon, and Blackrock can swoop in and take ownership of more land and market share.
"If we do this together, as Americans, we can rid America of the scourge of small business, um, I mean COVID," said Pelosi.