quote:
I keep hoping she is going to change her mind and take me back.
Do you hear what you are saying? SHE is the one who strayed. She should be the one begging for YOU to take HER back...not the other way around. It sounds like she has also played some mind games with you and made you feel like it's all your fault somehow. That 'maybe if you are lucky' she'll take you back.
You need to take a step back from the situation and give yourself some room to take a good look at how you've been treated. Right now, your emotions are so strong, that's a hard thing to do. Try to back off and think with your head a little more instead of a broken heart. Look at the facts: she has set a pattern of breaking her commitment to you. This is not likely going to change in the future if you get back together. If you think you are hurting now, think about how much more you will hurt when she does this over again.
It sounds like you have been controlled and manipulated into thinking that this is all somehow your fault. If you were better looking or had done more for her, she wouldn't have strayed. This is not true. It's not your fault. The decision to be unfaithful was HERS and HERS alone. No one forced her to do this....especially not you.
I was in a bad marriage for years and used to think the same way. I thought that if I could make myself more attractive to him or clean house better or do more things to please him, that everything would be fine. The truth is, it would not have mattered if I had been absolutely perfect, He would have not been happy in our marriage no matter what i did. I was thinking like a victim and so are you. I would encourage you to do some reading on how these kind of people use control and guilt and manipulation to get their way. it is actually a form of abuse that will wreck your self-esteem and make you miserable trying to please them.
I am so sorry that anyone has to go through the hurt that you feel right now. But I can promise you that it will get better. Slowly you will begin to regain your self confidence and start to see that it was her fault. That SHE chose to make bad decisions on her own - not because of anything you have or haven't done. In fact, before you know it, you will look back and wonder how you ever let someone treat you like that.
Hold your head up high and tell yourself everyday that you deserve better. That you are a good person and you will make it through this. Remind yourself that YOU are not responsible for HER actions.
Best wishes to you