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I really thougt this time was going to be different.
My wife asked me to move out for a while so I have been a down lately. This was so unexpected. I thought evrything was just fine and she says to me that she has had enough.
I still love the woman but if she don't want me then I guess i have to live with it.
I guess I ought to be glad we didn't have kids.
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quote:
Originally posted by Javier:
I really thougt this time was going to be different.
My wife asked me to move out for a while so I have been a down lately. This was so unexpected. I thought evrything was just fine and she says to me that she has had enough.
I still love the woman but if she don't want me then I guess i have to live with it.
I guess I ought to be glad we didn't have kids.


Hit the ground running. At least she was honest about it, thats more than you can say for most.
There is a poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson that helped me a lot when my husband left a long time ago. It's called "Give All To Love". You should look it up and read it, especially the last 6 or 7 lines. I'm sorry about your marriage. Maybe she will change her mind. Women are funny like that sometimes, so you never know. In this society, we are pushed to be independent and act like we don't need men, so we push men away, only to regret it later, when we realize we do need them after all. Give it some time and be patient and caring toward her, but not overbearing or desperate. Good luck!
quote:
Originally posted by Javier:
I really thougt this time was going to be different.
My wife asked me to move out for a while so I have been a down lately. This was so unexpected. I thought evrything was just fine and she says to me that she has had enough.
I still love the woman but if she don't want me then I guess i have to live with it.
I guess I ought to be glad we didn't have kids.


I'm sorry this happened to you. But you say you thought this time was going to be different, so you must have been married before & that one didn't work either.
You thought things were fine, & she's had enough? Confused Something was going on you don't know about. Almost like you weren't paying enough attention.

Marriage is forever. I'm 32 years with a man I love as much today, if not more, as I did the day we married.
Good luck to you. Wink
quote:
Originally posted by semiannualchick:
quote:
Originally posted by Javier:
I really thougt this time was going to be different.
My wife asked me to move out for a while so I have been a down lately. This was so unexpected. I thought evrything was just fine and she says to me that she has had enough.
I still love the woman but if she don't want me then I guess i have to live with it.
I guess I ought to be glad we didn't have kids.


I'm sorry this happened to you. But you say you thought this time was going to be different, so you must have been married before & that one didn't work either.
You thought things were fine, & she's had enough? Confused Something was going on you don't know about. Almost like you weren't paying enough attention.

Marriage is forever. I'm 32 years with a man I love as much today, if not more, as I did the day we married.
Good luck to you. Wink



No I have not been married to anyone else. What I meant was that I thought this time would be different with my wife. We separated two other times. She had an affair with a coworker and thought she wanted him but decided she wanted me so she took me back the two other times. I thought since she wanted me back everything was fine. I did everything I know to do. I sent her flowers at work, took her out to dinner when I could afford it and gave her her "space" as she asked for it. She is a lot better looking than me and I know she can do better so I will leave her alone for now and pray she comes back like she did the other two times. Maybe I will send her some flowers at her job today to let her know I am thinking about her. I don't want her to think I don't love her. I don't know what to do.
quote:
Originally posted by Javier:
No I have not been married to anyone else. What I meant was that I thought this time would be different with my wife. We separated two other times. She had an affair with a coworker and thought she wanted him but decided she wanted me so she took me back the two other times. I thought since she wanted me back everything was fine. I did everything I know to do. I sent her flowers at work, took her out to dinner when I could afford it and gave her her "space" as she asked for it. She is a lot better looking than me and I know she can do better so I will leave her alone for now and pray she comes back like she did the other two times. Maybe I will send her some flowers at her job today to let her know I am thinking about her. I don't want her to think I don't love her. I don't know what to do.


I'm sorry I misunderstood your words.
Sounds to me like you've done everything you can do. It doesn't matter if she looks better than you or that she can do better than you. It's what inside that counts & how you're being treated by her. Sounds to me like she's using you as a door mat because you're letting her. She doesn't love you. If she did, she wouldn't have cheated on you the first time.
Let her go, don't send anymore flower's. There is someone better for you. I had rather be alone than to be treated the way you're being treated.
Do not pay any bills. If you have a mortgage pay it. If you pay rent, do not pay it. Do not contribute to her lifestyle. Only protect your own credit. If the utilities are cut off, so be it. if you have a joint bank account, take all the money which belongs to you out of it. Money talks. Obviously, this does not come from a sweet old lady!
quote:
Originally posted by earthmomma:
Do not pay any bills. If you have a mortgage pay it. If you pay rent, do not pay it. Do not contribute to her lifestyle. Only protect your own credit. If the utilities are cut off, so be it. if you have a joint bank account, take all the money which belongs to you out of it. Money talks. Obviously, this does not come from a sweet old lady!
.......A very smart Lady! Big Grin
It's okay semichick. I guess I could have been more clear with what the situation was.
Eathmother right now money is the last thing on my mindbut thank you for your advice. I will try to get around to what you said next week. Right now I am so sad that I don't care.
Thank you to all but I am feeling so bad right now that it is hard to talk about.
I keep hoping she is going to change her mind and take me back.
Javier,

I know you are sad, and I am sorry.

It seems from your story that she has been taking advantage of you. It sounds like she is using you as a 2nd string. I think you should let her go, and concentrate on yourself for a while. She seems to have a pattern of coming back when she gets tired of whoever else she has been with. I doubt she will change.

I am sorry for your pain, and I am not trying to be harsh with you or make you feel worse. I just think maybe you might consider that enough is enough already.
quote:
I keep hoping she is going to change her mind and take me back.


Do you hear what you are saying? SHE is the one who strayed. She should be the one begging for YOU to take HER back...not the other way around. It sounds like she has also played some mind games with you and made you feel like it's all your fault somehow. That 'maybe if you are lucky' she'll take you back.

You need to take a step back from the situation and give yourself some room to take a good look at how you've been treated. Right now, your emotions are so strong, that's a hard thing to do. Try to back off and think with your head a little more instead of a broken heart. Look at the facts: she has set a pattern of breaking her commitment to you. This is not likely going to change in the future if you get back together. If you think you are hurting now, think about how much more you will hurt when she does this over again.

It sounds like you have been controlled and manipulated into thinking that this is all somehow your fault. If you were better looking or had done more for her, she wouldn't have strayed. This is not true. It's not your fault. The decision to be unfaithful was HERS and HERS alone. No one forced her to do this....especially not you.

I was in a bad marriage for years and used to think the same way. I thought that if I could make myself more attractive to him or clean house better or do more things to please him, that everything would be fine. The truth is, it would not have mattered if I had been absolutely perfect, He would have not been happy in our marriage no matter what i did. I was thinking like a victim and so are you. I would encourage you to do some reading on how these kind of people use control and guilt and manipulation to get their way. it is actually a form of abuse that will wreck your self-esteem and make you miserable trying to please them.

I am so sorry that anyone has to go through the hurt that you feel right now. But I can promise you that it will get better. Slowly you will begin to regain your self confidence and start to see that it was her fault. That SHE chose to make bad decisions on her own - not because of anything you have or haven't done. In fact, before you know it, you will look back and wonder how you ever let someone treat you like that.

Hold your head up high and tell yourself everyday that you deserve better. That you are a good person and you will make it through this. Remind yourself that YOU are not responsible for HER actions.

Best wishes to you
I agree with everything Lynn said. I'm sorry you are so hurt right now, but believe me IT WILL happen again. She has already showed you her pattern in her actions. She will NOT change and you are setting yourself up for more misery if you get back with her. Nothing BUT misery!!! Life is too short to be treated the way she does you over and over. People do NOT change. Frowner
I don't mean for this to sound so crude...but you need to grow some balls and move on.

Go talk to a therapist and have her teach you to have more self esteem for yourself!

I have no sympathy for you, because you allow her to treat you this way by continuing to take her back.

Kick her cheating @$& to the curb...and stand up and start acting like a real man would.
quote:
Originally posted by big_black_cat:
Javier, next week the money might not be there. earthmomma isn't saying clean her out - just get what is yours. Hope for the best but you have to be prepared for the worst.

Best of luck to you. Don't be her whipping boy.


I think you are right but I don't feel right leaving her with nothing.
quote:
Originally posted by Javier:
quote:
Originally posted by big_black_cat:
Javier, next week the money might not be there. earthmomma isn't saying clean her out - just get what is yours. Hope for the best but you have to be prepared for the worst.

Best of luck to you. Don't be her whipping boy.


I think you are right but I don't feel right leaving her with nothing.


EM and BBC are right - you don't have to leave her with nothing, just get the rest of your paycheck or half of what is in there. You are entitled to it.

Lynn, Just, and your sister are right. I had a similar experience to Lynn's. You may be a victim of mental/emotional abuse.

Your wife has proven by her actions that she will not change, she does not respect you, and she does not care about you or your feelings. Even if she comes back, how could you stand to live walking on eggshells, wondering if/when she's going to leave again? You may love her, but sometimes love is not enough.
Love is a choice. It is patient, kind, and does not hold record of past mistakes. She is being selfish and needs help to realize that. Keep your chin up and don't confide in other women while your wife is keeping you out. When there are problems at home, spending time with someone else of the opposite sex is NOT a good idea. Again, stay strong.
quote:
Originally posted by Javier:
right now money is the last thing on my mind. Right now I am so sad that I don't care.
Thank you to all but I am feeling so bad right now that it is hard to talk about.
I keep hoping she is going to change her mind and take me back.


Javier, I don't think anything that we are saying is sinking in. You're reading what we say but you're not hearing. I get the feeling if she called you, you would hit the door running. Hopefully, you'll get angry before she takes every penny you have, & anything else she can get. You're refusing, or don't want to see, what's right in front of you.
quote:
Originally posted by semiannualchick:
quote:
Originally posted by Javier:
right now money is the last thing on my mind. Right now I am so sad that I don't care.
Thank you to all but I am feeling so bad right now that it is hard to talk about.
I keep hoping she is going to change her mind and take me back.

...I agree with semi and mommer. You'd better believe she would go to the bank before you! Again, don't trust this woman. She will never change. Plan a nice peaceful life for yourself and never look back. DO NOT allow yourself to be used again....You will be a much happier man!! Best wishes Smiler
Javier, I don't think anything that we are saying is sinking in. You're reading what we say but you're not hearing. I get the feeling if she called you, you would hit the door running. Hopefully, you'll get angry before she takes every penny you have, & anything else she can get. You're refusing, or don't want to see, what's right in front of you.
quote:
Originally posted by barbaros45:
Marriage: Men get married hoping she won't change and she does.....Women get married hoping he will change and he doesn't..There ain't but three things worth a solitary dime..Old dogs, and children, and watermelon wine.


No, you're wrong, at least in my situation. I wouldn't change my husband if I could, & he's worth much more than a solitary dime. He's my best friend, my hero, & still the same man I married 32 years ago. Just more mature which comes with age for us all. Wink
JMO...People are not perfect. If you are looking for perfection, you'll be disappointed. If you want to appreciate the best in someone and accept the worst, you can have that relationship. I feel the same way about my relationship with my husband as semiannual chick does and I know plenty of couples who would say the same.

In Javier's case, this woman is too self-centered to love anybody. Sorry, that's harsh, but it's the truth. I wish you all the best.

A wise woman told me that you tell other people how to treat you. As long as you are there to come back to, yeah, she may come back, but the cycle will go on until you say no more. It sounds to me like it is really your choice to end this relationship, not her's. She is NOT the only woman on earth for you.
quote:
Originally posted by lynnblount:
quote:
I keep hoping she is going to change her mind and take me back.


Do you hear what you are saying? SHE is the one who strayed. She should be the one begging for YOU to take HER back...not the other way around. It sounds like she has also played some mind games with you and made you feel like it's all your fault somehow. That 'maybe if you are lucky' she'll take you back.

You need to take a step back from the situation and give yourself some room to take a good look at how you've been treated. Right now, your emotions are so strong, that's a hard thing to do. Try to back off and think with your head a little more instead of a broken heart. Look at the facts: she has set a pattern of breaking her commitment to you. This is not likely going to change in the future if you get back together. If you think you are hurting now, think about how much more you will hurt when she does this over again.

It sounds like you have been controlled and manipulated into thinking that this is all somehow your fault. If you were better looking or had done more for her, she wouldn't have strayed. This is not true. It's not your fault. The decision to be unfaithful was HERS and HERS alone. No one forced her to do this....especially not you.

I was in a bad marriage for years and used to think the same way. I thought that if I could make myself more attractive to him or clean house better or do more things to please him, that everything would be fine. The truth is, it would not have mattered if I had been absolutely perfect, He would have not been happy in our marriage no matter what i did. I was thinking like a victim and so are you. I would encourage you to do some reading on how these kind of people use control and guilt and manipulation to get their way. it is actually a form of abuse that will wreck your self-esteem and make you miserable trying to please them.

I am so sorry that anyone has to go through the hurt that you feel right now. But I can promise you that it will get better. Slowly you will begin to regain your self confidence and start to see that it was her fault. That SHE chose to make bad decisions on her own - not because of anything you have or haven't done. In fact, before you know it, you will look back and wonder how you ever let someone treat you like that.

Hold your head up high and tell yourself everyday that you deserve better. That you are a good person and you will make it through this. Remind yourself that YOU are not responsible for HER actions.

Best wishes to you


For one who has been there, your words are on target. The "thinking like a victim" is so very true.
Javier, get help with your pain if it's too much for you. Take care of yourself, it's time.
As for the money, dear, she is looking for the next "bank account" as we speak. You deserve better, you just don't believe that right now.
I think divorce is too easy to obtain now days. I have heard a lot of people say, "We are getting married and if it doesn't work out, we can always get a divorce". To me, that is a lousy attitude to have when getting married. Short of PROVEN abuse (physical, mental, verbal, etc) of the spouse and/or children, I think when a person files for divorce it should be mandatory that the couple/family have AT LEAST 3 months of weekly counseling (not sure how this should be paid for, but since it will never be happening, doesn't matter right now) before they are allowed to sign the final papers. People change over the years and when you marry, you are more or less saying you will be with that person through the good AND the bad. If it's a case of adultery, there are definitely some things that need to be discussed. If it PROVEN abuse (as above),then no problem... get out of the situation as quickly as possible. Mind you, this is just MY opinion and what I wished had happened when my ex and I divorced (I suggested counseling and he said no, that he knew what he wanted.... and he got it <and now he's married to "her" and so unhappy it's pathetic... excellent example of being careful what you wish for because you just might get it>Wink. So take my opinion however you want, disagree until you turn blue in the face, whatever. Won't bother me any if anyone disagrees with me and opens both barrels on me.

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