Religious Humor

I'm good with it, I've always stood behind that choice. He also gave guys

google, so whos smfart now..??

  Google is good.

Guilty!!!!!!!! bahahahahaha

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I bet you're a bad boy.

Invictus started it.

Vic is a bad boy too.

I ain't never..........done no wrong.........

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Just saying-

A good sign for you Best, it never strikes twice in the same place. 

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Oh, but I really have never done anything wrong.

You must have been acquitted every time, what about parole..??

Never even charged.

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I not I not.......I am pure of heart and innocent of nature...............and stuff.

Just don't ask about that "and stuff" part......

 Just don't ask about that "and stuff" part......

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Ohh, come on! I declare, no one will know but lil ole me.

you guys are cracking me up.

Three preachers and their wives were on the road traveling together. Suddenly, the car veered and went off a cliff and they all died.

On reaching the Pearly Gates, they were greeted by St. Peter.

He turned to the first preacher and said, "I am sorry but I can not allow you to enter. For you see in your heart you held a love of strong drink. That desire was so strong that you married a lady named Sherry".

With that he turned the preacher and his wife away.

He turned to the second preacher and said, "I am sorry but I can not allow you to enter. For you see in your heart you held a love of money. That desire was so strong that you married a lady named Penny".

With that he turned the preacher and his wife away.

On hearing that the third preacher turned to his wife and said, "Come on F A N N Y let's get out of here".

Avid golfer dies; goes to Hell.

Satan greets him and gives him a tour of his new home.  Shows him immaculate golf course, fairways are like greens on earthly courses; landscaping is far more beautiful than any national park or botanical garden.

Satan presents new arrival with ostrich-hide golf bag loaded with the most expensive set of custom clubs.  Up drives a Rolls Royce golf cart. "That's yours," says the Grand Zombie.

"Hey, I'm ready to go," says Hell's newest resident.  "Half a dozen golf balls is all I'll need."

Satan wickedly smirks.  "That's the Hell of it, my new friend; there's not a golf ball anywhere in the place."

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

 As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

 I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

A Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each Sabbath.

The Priest said, "What I do is draw a line down the center of the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands on the left is God's, whatever lands on the right is mine."

The Preacher said, "Well I do almost the same thing only I draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is mine and the rest belongs to God."

The Rabbi says, "No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, God, Take what you want!. Whatever comes back down is mine......."

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You know why COC members don't ever have sex standing up?

They are afraid someone will see and think they are dancing!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of ****ographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that.  I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh SHxxxxxxxT."

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing inTransylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield." Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts." Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns." Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes." Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent." Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off our car!"

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom,which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, takeout the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the  counter. "Good morning sister", said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today ?"

"I'd like some condoms please" said the nun.

The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked "How many boxes would you like - there are twelve to a box."

"I'll take twelve boxes - that should last about a week" said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like - we have large, extra large, and big liar size."

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said "I'm not certain,
perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel.

A Christian, a Muslim, a Jew and an atheist walk in this bar.

The bartender says....

"What is this?  A joke?"

Pick on nuns day? OK, last one:

A man walked into a doctors waiting room and saw a nun sitting there crying her eyes out, obviously very upset. When he went into the doctor he asked the good physician why the nun was crying so much. the doctor replied, "I told her she was pregnant." "Good grief," said the guy, "How can that be, since she is a nun?" "She isn't really," said the good doctor, "but it cured her hiccups."

There was a knock on my door on Saturday morning.

I got up off the couch and opened the door to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said to him "Come on in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked him "What would you like to talk about?"

He said, "I really don't have a clue" he replied, " I have been doing this for months and nobody ever let me in before."

OMG it's a zonkey!

No joke, just wanted to make you go ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!