Survey: 97% Of Americans Have Problems
CAMBRIDGE, MA - A nationwide survey conducted over the past month has revealed a troubling statistic concerning the well-being of the American public. The survey was crafted to focus on how individuals were coping with increasingly difficult times. When asked if there were any problems in their lives during the past year, a whopping 97% of respondents replied 'yes'.
"We were stunned." said Dr. Phyllis Langley, Executive Director of the National Mental Health Awareness Coalition, co-sponsor of the study. "Some people even reported multiple problems. This is a testament to how challenging life has become under this administration."
Lawmakers were quick to point out that there has been no shortage of problem solving pieces of legislation, but few have been enacted into law. "We've drafted hundreds of bills that would have solved thousands of different problems, only to have them vetoed out of mean-spiritedness." said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "This administration simply doesn't care that people are struggling."
The survey questioned 12,478 adults from every state, with only 365 persons reporting no problems whatsoever. But experts think that number is really much lower. "We think a lot of them [people who reported no problems] were lying - you know, out of embarrassment." said Langley. "So, in reality, I think we've firmly established that everybody has problems."
Pelosi promises swift action to stem the spread of these difficulties. "We will continue to search for solutions to this problem crisis." she said. "Maybe we could outsource problems instead of jobs."
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