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WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a press conference held on Capitol Hill Friday, mourning Democrat leaders called for flags to be flown half-mast to honor the death of Qasem Soleimani.
Flags were spotted flying at half-mast around the country, notably at The Washington Post, The New York Times, and in front of several celebrities' homes. The celebrities went out and bought an American flag for the first time just to fly it at half-mast for this important time of grief.
"The grieving process is painful but necessary," said Rep. Ilhan Omar. "As a nation, we need to stop and grieve this great, austere, revered religious scholar. He was one of the good ones."
In a rare moment of unity with The Squad, Pelosi gave each of the girls a hug, telling them to just "let it all out" in their time of sadness.
Ocasio-Cortez didn't seem to know what was happening but adjusted her glasses to look smart.
A teary-eyed Barack Obama was also seen solemnly lowering the flag in front of his seaside mansion. "To think, this all could have been prevented with a few pallets of cash." He sighed and stared off into the distance, a look of pain and regret on his face. "If only Trump had targeted a U.S. citizen with a drone strike instead."
Later, Democrats clarified they meant we should fly the Iranian flag at half-mast, not the "offensive and problematic" American flag.

"I came, I saw, I surrendered"-Joe Biden

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U.S.—The nation's media outlets announced they were grieving today as an armed citizen stopped a mass shooting.

"We grieve that this tragedy we could have exploited for weeks on end was stopped by a good guy with a gun," said one teary-eyed MSNBC reporter on the scene. "Our thoughts and prayers are with the shooter."

"We are absolutely heartbroken and in shock over here," said one New York Times journalist. "What could have given us weeks and weeks of frothing-at-the-mouth stories about gun control will now have to be suppressed since it does not align with our agenda."

News outlets also reminded the nation that they reserve the right to immediately bury mass shooting stories that don't help push their agenda.

Outlets like CNN, MSNBC, and ABC News confirmed that they carefully look over the facts of a given case to see if it lines up with the correct opinions before deciding to push it incessantly for weeks on end.

"While we usually would exploit a tragedy like this to push our gun control agenda, in this case, the facts don't really help us," said CNN reporter Bob Costanza, after a recent shooting was shut down by a citizen with a gun. "It's tragic that it ended that way, because we really could have gotten a lot of mileage out of that bad boy."

The media didn't even try to find children who were present during the shooting to parade around talk shows and put on the covers of magazines for a full year this time around.

 

https://babylonbee.com/news/me...topped-mass-shooting

Last edited by Jutu

U.S.—CNN has slammed the world's best satire site, The Babylon Bee, after CNN executives realized that "fake news" articles on the website were getting at least as much social media traction as their own.

"There ain't room in this internet for the both of us," growled one CNN anchor on the air Monday evening. "There simply aren't enough people out there for us to fool with our fake news stories and The Babylon Bee to fool with their satire. There isn't enough clickbait and outrage traffic to go around." 

Reporters at the media outlet also pointed out that their news was "much faker" than The Babylon Bee's.

"They're obviously amateurs over there at The Bee," said Brian Stelter. "A lot of times, their reporting comes true. If you're gonna do fake news, do it right -- 100% fake, guaranteed, 24/7. They really should learn from the pros over here at CNN."

"Stay out of our territory," he growled.

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