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NEW YORK, NY — In what analysts have labeled a shocking turn of events, a district attorney whose career had been funded by global powerbroker George Soros declined to prosecute a group of violent university campus protesters who had also been funded by global powerbroker George Soros.

The surprising development came unexpectedly following college campus protests in various places across the country, with district attorneys strangely choosing to not prosecute lawbreakers who had been financed by the same person who had put the district attorneys themselves in office.

"I have chosen to not pursue charges," said New York District Attorney Alvin Bragg. "This decision has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my ascent to the office of the district attorney and the activities of these protesters were bankrolled by the same person. I have just chosen not to. And that's ok. I very much like my job and wish to keep it."

Political experts determined the link between Bragg and campus protesters both being funded by George Soros as a mere coincidence. "One has nothing to do with the other," said one observer. "Having a public official who accepts money from a global boogeyman decline to prosecute lawbreakers who were funded by the same boogeyman is purely happenstance. Any claims to the contrary would be wild conspiracy theories with no basis in reality."

At publishing time, District Attorney Bragg had released a subsequent statement denying that the personal letter he received from Soros ordering him to refrain from prosecuting protesters had anything to do with his decision.

Babylon Bee

Desperation met stupidity on the corner of bad luck and despair, and the democratic party was born.

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